Grateful, even for the grief

Two years...

How does one measure the passage of time? Do we measure it in units of months, days, hours and seconds, or in units of learning. If the former, then it has been two years since Sakshi left her mortal body for more eternal shores. If the latter, then I am here… in the now.

In these last few years, I have begun to truly understand how time is a man-made construct, because it feels like yesterday and forever all at once since our lives were upended. This fluid nature of time in my head means that there are days when I wake up and feel the rush of horror and sorrow anew! Addled by shock that feels fresh, I walk through the day in a state of disbelief. How could this be? How is this my reality? These days lead to a darker phase where I often pray for a meteor to hit earth and be done with all this madness of kids dying. Children should not die before their parents! This is madness! Bring on the meteor.

Fortunately, on most days, I don’t wish us all dead. On the contrary, I am filled with deep gratitude for whatever little I have, and live fully present in the moment. I can’t change the past and the future is beyond my control. That leaves the present and it has my full attention. Despite the ever-present pinch of sorrow at the very centre of my being, I am now able to function like a regular person on most days.

I spend a lot of time talking to Sakshi. Sometimes, I am quite certain that the words in my head are not my own, but hers. One such phrase that was placed in my head was, “See me in everyone.” I have tried to do that, especially in the last year or so.

This does not come easy to me, because I am by nature a slightly judgmental person and quite enjoy the loops of negative inner dialogues, that I am sure plays out in most of our brains. I don’t know when these inner dialogues started and when they turned negative… or whether they were negative from the very start. But things are different now. I realised that I was colouring my world dark by playing out these imaginary, negative situations in a loop in my head and have learned to not indulge in them anymore.

While I can’t see my child in everyone yet, I have begun to see a bit of me in everyone. And with that has come acceptance. This has freed up a lot of head space, and that, along with a daily meditation practise has brought me much needed silence, peace and even happiness. They now cohabit with grief and sadness in the recesses of my heart and mind. And I am grateful for every single one of those states of being, even the grief.